Hormones & Qualities of Love

Oestrogen & testosterone, our sex hormones, have qualities like yin & yang, a polarity completing each other. Both are steroids stemming from the same source: the neurotransmitter pregnenolone.

Oestrogen creates the wish for mating, conception, as well as female traits to attract a partner: full hair, radiant skin, and subcutaneous fat that makes her look smooth. Testosterone is associated with body hair, beard, less pure skin but a stronger fibrous network in the dermis, less subcutaneous fat but more muscle mass. This reflects dominance and force to replicate, which is biologically attractive to women who “weaken” or “fall” for the man and wish to be taken by him – pure biology in action that will secure survival of the kind by sharing successful genes.

Therefore, typical conflicts involving changes in production and release of these hormones, are about

  1. Survival of the family or the wish to live on through your offspring, which promotes release of testosterone in the testes by luteinizing hormone from the pituitary gland
  2. The loss of a dear person – understand this as “a part of me had to die”, leading to a decrease in hormone production connected to self-devaluation
  3. Gender identity – like a fight about or with a sexual partner, or fight within about one’s sexual role, leading to changes in hormone production depending on the chosen role and the phase of the conflict.

Case example: Fight for her role

A woman of 45 experiences constant bleeding/prolonged menstruation for several weeks. This happens in regeneration after the resolution of a fight about sex, or not feeling desired as a woman. Her conflict had been wishing to have one more child but not being able to convince her husband. She felt stubborn, hurt and sad, having to suppress her sexuality. Her husband however had other values now, being family father of 3 already, and fighting for work-life-balance as well as his position in society. Regeneration trigger had been during a vacation, when the spouses talked and she realized that she didn’t need another baby to confirm her role as a woman and mother, but that sex can be for their pleasure, and they can now enjoy the freedom of new goals in their relationship. The irregular bleeding ceased after working on herself with tapping for emotional release and belief change.

Observe: In cases where one's self-esteem is dependant from the sexual role, menopause brings the risk to develop osteoporosis!

Connected to these basic themes, social and “territorial” competition play a major role in influencing the hormones circulating in your body by your behavioural and biological strategies. To find a place in the community, and a suitable partner, individual talents develop and skills are prioritized that shape your personality:

  • Are you an adventurous wanderer, or a reliable family man/woman?
  • Do you like to compete and prove yourself?
  • Do you favour to create your “own little paradise”?
  • Do you leave carnal desires behind for wisdom and the love of God?

All these are related to combinations of previous conflict themes that have been present in your life, or already in your parents’ and ancestors’ lives. They can even be related to certain dis-ease patterns like coronary heart disease, stomach ulcers, or asthma.

In Dr R.G. Hamer’s concept of the “biological laws”, these constellations of territorial themes even explain mood swings and the onset of mania and depression, by imbalances and priorities in the expression of sexual hormones: manic being sign of an excess of testosterone, depression sign of a severe lack of it.

Scale dynamics

Case example: Fight for her boundaries

A woman of 50 experiences repeated fits of anger and aggression, connected to pain in her gallbladder and symptoms of indigestion. She is triggered by her husband who wants more contact, while she is very eager to establish her own territory and boundaries. She wants to change and to expand her life, but is fearful to do real steps. She has manic episodes, followed by depression. In the background of their behaviour, both partners experienced insecurity and abandonment already at an early age. This shaped their personal values, with very different results: while the man became more attached, the client resorted to her own territory. Addressing the root causes both in the relationship to her husband and in her childhood, she transforms her pattern step by step, and finds more peace. Challenging her own anxiety, she takes steps leading her into new experiences of freedom, both in nature and looking for new social surroundings.

Interestingly, nutritional change towards probiotics that was expected to support gut health and mood, did not render positive results for this client. This case is an example of the “aggressive constellation” concerning both territorial anger and identity themes.

aggressive constellation

The flavours of love

To explain these biological strategies, additional hormones come into the picture, that create variety in the way love and belonging can be felt and expressed. They modulate the mood scale, thereby creating conditions for conflict resolution or de-escalation: I am talking about oxytocin and vasopressin, two neuropeptides secreted in the hypothalamus and posterior pituitary. Both are found to increase the amygdala/emotional center's connectivity with the anterior insula [1] - a brain region which is associated with social and territorial behaviour.

From responsibility to narcissism

Vasopressin, in the context of conflict behavior, is associated with aggression, fear, and anxiety, as well as with blood vessel constriction, and water retention in the tissue by reabsorption of primary urine in the renal collecting tubule system, as in the abandonment or "refugee" conflict. Previous social abandonment experiences have an impact on the binding site of Vasopressin in the brain, so that it either can enhance or alter dominant or submissive behavior in animals [2] [3].

These variations match the concept of territorial conflicts and conflict constellations, the scale swinging between manic or depressive mood and behavior. In humans, Vasopressin enhances the will for cooperation in risky situations [4] [1], which can be interpreted as the positive intention of group structure and collaboration created by diverse personality profiles, as we find in territorial constellations.

Vasopressin as a sex hormone is predominantly released in males during orgasm, where it has been called the “monogamy molecule” especially when combined with serotonin from the “reward centre” in the brain. It then makes a man attracted to stay with the woman he made love to. It creates family fathers out of young bucks – in case these are not under the influence of the coronary or “seductive constellation", which is caused by conflicts about having lost both their “sexual property” and their privilege. This constellation can be seen as a coping strategy for the disappointed, through short-lived, superficial, sex-based relationships. It can also promote megalomania, fearless- and even recklessness, possibly lead to narcissism or idolism as extremes.

seductive constellation

I don't have a client example for this, as these people usually don't suffer so much as to consult a coach, but I am convinced most of you will know people who fit this description! In territorial constellations, the physical symptoms can be very mitigated or not even felt at all, the more the level is shifted towards psychological expression.

From altruism to maliciousness

Oxytocin is the prompter of labours and of lactation in women. It means devotion, trust [1], and the power to transcend pain and to heal wounds. It means empathy and forgiveness. All of these virtues have been proven to be enhanced by taking a sniff of oxytocin between partners.

It is not particular to females. Released during orgasm, but also when being caressed and hugged, it promotes overall well-being, enhances wound healing and resilience. A relationship driven by oxytocin instead of jealous passion seems to be more sustainable and lasting, and give satisfactory love life to the "non-alphas" and those with diverse personalities.

But oxytocin does not match the concept of unconditional love: it was shown to enhance the emotional childhood memory in persons both with caring and with uncaring mothers, leaving the latter more anxious for support [5] and less resilient! It’s empathy builds upon a base of safety and belonging, upon a “we” that has already been established. In relation to strangers, this same hormone makes you even more suspicious, cruel and gloating! That is of course due to protective mechanisms of a community or society, and is illustrated by the well-known and often-repeated political tactic to bring people together by finding a common enemy.

Healing consciousness

To evolve out of this psychological pattern, we need to expand our identification beyond cultural or political boundaries, to where all humans and beings have a common goal – to thrive.

When we surpass scarcity, play competition with fairness, and tolerate others’ rights and preferences, we can create paradise on earth. On an individual scale, we already use the tools of the meta-position and of raised consciousness and mindfulness. We do use the impact of oxytocin to overcome pain and to heal wounds by recalling resourceful memories and painting future visions in harmonic colours and sounds. Now, we can even dissolve and reimprint previously experienced trauma in our body and mind!

A motivational and inspirational quote I like to share is

“Change I to We, and even Illness becomes Wellness.”


[1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3251702/
[2] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2880169/
[3] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2292122/
[4] http://www.pnas.org/content/113/8/2051
[5] http://www.pnas.org/content/107/50/21371
pictures: Pixabay, metahealth4u.com